My Cognitive Dissonance - Creating vs Sharing

Right now, for me, sharing my songs publicly feels like self-harming behavior.

But creating music feels like self care - I am living in a cycle of creative cognitive dissonance.

Steel wool against soft skin, velvet melted by fire, circulation being cut off painfully by a life saving tourniquet - mopping up blood while I'm bleeding.

My symphony has morphed into a cacophony.

How and when did this happen?

Why is this happening to me?

What is even happening?!?!?!

At least my existential crisis's are poetic.

Is this what going insane feels like, or am I just the only one exploring this pain and expressing it?

I have so much to give. I want to give. I really want to give, all of my self, to my greatest love.

I must remember the reality outside of me:

- This country is broken and insanely violent, but we're fixing & healing it.

- Basic rights are in cycle of regression oppression, but we aren't laying down taking shit.

- This is a post capitalistic time, where attention spans don't accommodate my depth and sound isn't tangible anymore so people understand that it has value.

- The millennial generation is the most depressed in history, idk how this is okay.

- I have PTSD and chronic pain & other health conditions, I have physical limitations but it's okay because I'm healing.

- A working model of the music industry doesn't exist anymore, but I think that there are some good people building it. Maybe one day I will get to meet them.

- My lack of success, visibility, and profit has less to do with with my art & talents, and everything to do with how, where, with whom, why, and when it's shared. That's out of my control a lot and that's okay.

- Owning a business is very expensive, but there's a magick thread of hope that's kept me going for 10 years of art sharings’ that I'm good enough to transcend all of it.

- I don't have a team or people working for me to help me, but I am completely in control of all my variables. Accountability carries duality.

Mantras:
-Art is valid

- Art shapes culture, if art doesn't shape culture, capitalism does.

- Art is 100% necessary, art is life saving, art is beautiful, art is sacred.

- You're not alone feeling alone.

- Art is a process, not it’s product.

MY Songs:

- Will never hurt me, they are always true.

- They'll never leave me or tell me I'm wrong.

- They'll never tell me I'm a diva, feminazi, they don't make me feel afraid to live in my body.

- They don't judge, and their safe, warm, beautiful hug is accessible whenever I return to them.

- They are my life, I have dedicated my life to creating them.

I am so gosh darn grateful for my songs.
My songs are what I have to show for 25 years of life.

I don't have a house, kids, a fancy car, money, material items, fame, career, 401k, a husband or a partner, pets. None of that.

Songs, family, community support, thoughts, emotions, healing, intuition, dreams, empathy, courage, music within my soul, voice, poetry, social skills, technical skills...are what I have. That is A LOT to have!!!

I've lost everything I thought I had, and I can promise you, your art is all you really have, because art is LOVE.