Descent into Depression and Ascent Out
I went to consignment store to buy shorts, knowing it’ll be warm soon.
Gave myself a pep talk in the car that I won’t spend more than $30, I am already sexy, gorgeous, amazing, and have everything I need - I walked in super confident and aligned.
After loosing weight, building muscle, learning to live in and love my body more fully in yogic practice - I decided to get adventurous in my selection...this was exciting!!
I picked out bright colors, cool textures and bold patterns of shorts & skirts my inhibition-less alter ego adores!
I took my time counting the items in front of the staff person who was getting a fitting room for me, kind of showing off a little how adventurous I was being!
I was having fun 🙂
I look off my pants, and mentally prepared myself to try on shorts.
No one knows this, but I haven’t worn shorts in public since I was a kid, and I don’t show my legs - Doesn’t matter how hot it is outside. It may sound weird but...
It’s because of shame, guilt, trauma, fear, anxiety.
Maybe part of my pep talk in the car earlier was deciding to break this.
I tried on these cute black ones with white pattern, “they make me look so wide, ok they’re just a flowy cut, you’ve got like six more pairs, try again!” (Phew that mental stamina from yoga is paying off!)
Grab next pair in a soft color with a floral print “jeeze these are really short and would ride up exposing this part of my inner thigh I don’t like to be seen, it’s ok there’s a bunch more pairs”, try on a jumper with fun flowey sleeves but i could still see my surgery scar, cellulite, dimples, knees and ankles ... no this was just all wrong.
The clothes were fine. There was nothing wrong with the clothes.
Just my legs.
There I stood, even after all this work, consistent work, active work, strength training, positive mantras, surrounding myself with body positive messages and people...I even screen shot powerful empowerment messages and have a folder in my phone I look thru often.
I stood on my legs looking at my legs hating my legs all over again. Devastated, heartbroken, like none of it as worth it because I still hate them.
”DAMMIT I thought we made peace!!”
This dressing room might as well have been the same dressing room as years prior that reflected back the old me.
The reflection showed me where I’ve been cut up, surgically realigned, put in casts, metal plates, a wheel chair, a walker, made fun of, didn’t heal fully, ones shorter than the other, ankles that don’t fit boots, where i crashed my dirt bike, so fleshy...
Two young girls were outside the dressing room a ways away giggling about something, the teenage girl inside of me started crying, memories of being made fun of in the locker room and being shamed for my body.
NO- they’re not laughing at me, they don’t even know I’m in here, fuck that! That’s not real! (noticing)
Yes, (acceptance) a lot of painful things have happened to my body since I’ve been living in it but goddamn so many amazing things have also! (Analyzing)
These legs I “hate” have also carried me up mountains, been kissed by lovers, held me in soul expanding yogic asanas, bronzed by the sun near the equator, and swam me in the salty waters of the Pacific and Atlantic.
These legs have carried me through my life - on stage, in darkness, to the Middle East & Asia, to the gym and on the couch. (Finding meaning)
Why would I give up on my legs, when they’ve never given up on me?
Even when I couldn’t walk, even when Trauma had me disconnect from my body from the waste down to survive, they stand today, these beautiful jiggly, sexy thick, lucious dimpled legs are worth me loving.
I GET to learn to love them. They already ARE the legs I need, they’ve done so much for me, and allowed me to live this amazing life to my fullest. (Remembering love)
I decided to go to a gentle yoga class after (practicing self love/care), and somehow the teacher knew.
She knew all of it, idk how, but FOUR separate times she came to me in hip opening postures and she massaged my calves, ankles, feet, and adjusted me low back. (Receiving care and love)
Maybe she knew after the first time when I cried in cathartic release 😭🤣
And to anyone reading this who’s has or has as surgery, immobility, body dysmoprhia, eating disorders, depression, ptsd, trauma, chronic pain - I fucking love you.
This world is so fucking hard. It makes us hard, when our natural state is softness. Cognitive dissonance.
You GET to love your body, mind, spirit RIGHT NOW.
You get to have that immediately. NOT conditionally, NOT when you loose # weight, NOT when you fit into those jeans or find the right lover, NOT when you can think happy thoughts all the time, or when you’re not in pain.
You get to love yourself even though it’s really not okay.
Even if it’s really bad, you can still love yourself, you can still turn around and remember where you’ve come from, see how far you’ve gone, remember all the lives you’ve touched, and things you’ve accomplished.
Notice where you are.
Accept where you are.
Find meaning (optional).
Practice self care & love.
Receive self care & love.
Accept self care & love.
You get to love yourself unconditionally right now,
Because that’s all we really have. 🙏🏼💖